What Assertiveness Really is
There’s something I’ve noticed in coaching leaders over the past 25 years. Assertiveness — the ability to speak up, set boundaries, and be direct — is one of the most important and yet misunderstood, misapplied qualities in leadership. People often treat it as simply a dial that needs turning up or down. But this is far too simplistic a view.
Are You Getting Assertiveness Wrong?
Your “setting of assertiveness,” so to speak, should be understood and balanced with your other emotional intelligence components (just a few of which I discuss here) in order to get it right for the situation you’re in. That’s why people often get it wrong — they focus on assertiveness in isolation and overlook how the whole EQ system works together. This can mean you’re not fitting your emotional responses to the situation appropriately.
Drawing on analysis of many emotional intelligence assessments and high leadership patterns, I want to share some insights on how to get this right — and why your assertiveness sweet spot might not be where you think it is.
Assertiveness Might Not Be What You Think
Assertiveness is not simply “being confident”, “loud”, or “pushy”. It’s the emotionally intelligent ability to express your thoughts, needs, opinions and boundaries — clearly, calmly, and respectfully — without aggression and without self-recrimination.
Done well, it means:
- Saying no, when needed, without guilt.
- Giving important feedback, positively, and without blame.
- Asking for what you need, whilst being mindful of others’ needs.
Too little assertiveness, and you disappear — or your potential to succeed or contribute is lost. Too much, and you overwhelm, upset, or worse. The key lies in spotting your patterns and their effects, such as the subtle costs that come with them.
Three Typical Assertiveness Styles
Based on EQ psychometric data and self-assessment work, assertiveness tends to show up — for simplicity — in three broad styles. Which is your closest match?
- The Quiet Resenter
You’re the one who says yes too often, stays quiet, or avoids conflict, and later stews in overwhelm or frustration. People probably see you as amenable or helpful — but you’re often overcommitted and feel undervalued or unheard.
If this sounds familiar, you may recognise statements like:
- “I tend to go quiet and later wish I’d said something.”
- “I find it hard to say no.”
- “I give too much of myself to people.”
The cost? Burnout, blurred boundaries, and resentment that leaks out sideways. At work, many brilliant people don’t get to show their full value — it isn’t visible to their boss or wider organisation, or worse still, others take the credit. Interestingly, I find many of these people feel, that speaking out, saying no is ‘too assertive’. This is key to understand – because it shows that their perceptions have become skewed and may need re-adjusting.
- The Overdriver
You speak up, for sure — but you might steamroll without realising it. Assertiveness is an emotional drive that has energy. In excess, it may be a mask for control, and people can experience you as pushy, sharp, or closed off:
- “I get my own way with people.”
- “People feel I’m aggressive.”
- “I find it hard to back down in a disagreement.”
The cost? Shallow trust, reduced team input, diminished engagement of others. And when business is about relationships, I’ve seen some leaders carving through the bottom line of their organisation with behaviours they’re often not fully aware of.
Most issues around assertiveness tend to be thought of in this category – because they’re more obvious than the lower assertive people whose issues are more subtle and harder to identify. Also certain cultures look on lower assertiveness more favorably, which is not necessarily helpful to great leadership.
Warning: At the extreme end, this behaviour can slip into bullying or intimidation. What begins as assertiveness can become controlling, intimidatory or emotionally aggressive — sometimes without the person realising it. The impact can be significant: colleagues may feel unsafe, performance suffers, and trust collapses. When this crosses the line, it becomes more than a leadership style issue — it’s a safeguarding and organisational risk, with possible legal consequences. Knowing where the line is, is vital for all staff so this can be recognised early and dealt with effectively.
- The Intentional Communicator
This is the sweet spot — a leader who can stand their ground without stepping on others, and move their agenda forward in deft, engaging ways.
It sounds like:
- “Even when I’m upset, I can clearly get my point across.”
- “I balance my needs and others’ needs well.”
- “I can tell people difficult things without backing down.”
In EQ terms, here’s a leader whose empathy supports higher levels of assertion. They weave these two elements together — along with matched emotional expression — to create psychological safety and clarity, so their colleagues and teams know where they stand.
But getting to this place takes emotional self-awareness and, often, unlearning some behaviours and re-balancing others.
Optimising Your Assertiveness Using EQ
Assertiveness doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It’s deeply influenced by other elements of your emotional intelligence — which can either support or sabotage your ability to hit that sweet spot. It’s interesting to note that few understand the way these elements work together and still see assertiveness is quite a basic way. Our approach helps you break it down into elements you can easily understand and so are more likely to be able to change. If you’re struggling to effectively assert yourself it’s likely because of one or more of these other EQ elements:
- Emotional Expression
Your emotional expression is important, for you to feel heard and understood, and so people know where you’re coming from. It gives nuance and deftness to your communication. This not only supports assertiveness but enriches it.
Well-chosen words communicated with a rich array of emotional messaging (e.g. an authentic smile, softness of tone, empathic pitch, pauses that encourage reciprocity…) empower your assertiveness. It makes it much more palatable to the recipient.
Without this, assertiveness can come across as harsh or aggressive. People may push back harder — because you haven’t engaged them well. If emotional expression is higher than assertiveness, this can mean you tend to talk more than take action. Assertiveness, in that case, requires more support from nuanced and clarifying language and gestures to move things in the right direction.
- Emotional Self-Awareness
If we know how we feel about things — clearly, in the moment — this ability beyond all others helps to rebalance us. In the case of assertiveness, it can help moderate too strong a push, by reading more accurately whether it will work for us.
Emotional clarity can also be a driver for change when you need to stand up and say or do something important. Self-knowing comes from emotional self-awareness. This is the trust within ourselves that makes us seem solid, reliable, consistent and strong to others.
- Self-Regard
When self-regard is balanced with assertiveness, we might not feel the need to prove ourselves or push for control. This will also be influenced by emotional self-awareness as above.
Unhelpful assertion can be triggered by high self-regard paired with much lower emotional self-awareness. This combo leads to overconfidence or arrogance – both of which undermine our ability to assert ourselves and create negative reactions from others.
Knowing ourselves well lowers our fear, as we trust ourselves more. We don’t need to win every point, because we’re not trying to earn our value in the moment.
- Self-Actualisation
This is our drive for meaning, ambition, and the push to succeed. When high — and the rest of your EQ profile is balanced — you’ll need high assertiveness to give these ambitions a voice, and to turn will into action.
Lower assertiveness here, and you’ll feel frustrated at not being able to bring important things into your life or work.
This is just a little taster of the huge range of nuance that understanding your EQ profile can give you — and how it can accelerate development of your leadership skills.
💡 5 Insights on Assertiveness for Leaders
- Stand up for yourself – when it’s appropriate. Avoidance may create short-term peace, but long-term emotional stress and feelings like ineffectiveness and frustration.
- Assertiveness is not loudness. Some of the most assertive people say little, speak slowly or even softly — but their words land with clarity and weight. Loudness, when not appropriate, often shouts of lower self-regard or self-awareness.
- Hidden anger is a sign. If you’re smiling on the outside and simmering on the inside, it’s time to check what you’re not saying — and why.
- If conflict-avoidance is a theme for you, it’s rarely kindness. You think you’re sparing others or keeping the peace — and sometimes that’s the wise choice. But more often than not, you’re depriving others of honesty, clarity, your wisdom, and progress.
- Assertiveness without empathy often lands as aggression. Emotional intelligence is the guide-wire — not just how you speak, but how you listen, read people, discern, judge, and forgive. These elements are vital to temper how we meet the world and others’ needs. Ultimately, we’re social creatures — and far happier and more effective working with others.
📊 Want to Find Your Assertiveness Pattern?
If you’re curious how you use your assertiveness — what drives your reactions, and where your emotional levers really are — EQ psychometric analysis reveals many truths and provides profound insight and a clear way forward.
It’s not about judgement, but about choice. When you see your own patterns clearly, you gain the power to lead more cleanly, speak more effectively, and reduce the internal friction that’s been slowing you down.
Assertiveness isn’t about being forceful. It’s about appropriateness with an eye on long term effectiveness.
If you’d like to uncover your emotional intelligence dynamics and change the way you assert yourself, get in touch.
